One Step at a Time

Hi.

My name is Puriichan and last year, I’m diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder).

（境界性人格障害・月経前不快気分障害⇦病状の日本語説明）

TRIGGER WARNING:

The following blog post may contain elements that are not suitable for some readers. Accordingly, reader discretion is advised. You can simply close the blog and discontinue reading if you feel uncomfortable. 

For years, I have been struggling with understanding myself, my family, people’s behavior, basically figuring what is going on around me.

Growing up in a family of 4, my relationship with my parents and sister are not that close. My Dad is a strict, tough guy who is pretty hard at his kids, and my Mom works a lot and not really at home. Me and my sister are 12 years apart and in the middle of seeing her growing up, I left to Japan. Honestly, I never had any purposes to live the life. I never thought about a goal, or why I came to Japan or what I wanted to do in my life. So I realized it, I have spent my life only listen to what people want and tried to please them. The distant feeling from my parents (physically and emotionally), the system in the family (I often never had any chances to socialize. My Dad never liked me going out and never friendly to my friends, especially male friends).  Unconsciously, I think the symptoms of BPD had been developed since.

Oh God, the mood swings..

My illness started to getting worse and ‘show up’ last year, when I had a second breakup. My first breakup was rough too, and when I wasn’t fully recovered, another person that I expect to start a new chapter together was breaking my heart and everything.

But for sure, my BPD symptoms already showing up.

There was a real example of what I’m talking about:

I still remember when I was at his place to spend a night together, he decided to go to work in the nearest cafe.

Although he told me he will be back soon (approximately at 11pm) and gave me the cafe address, I felt really uneasy because I was left alone and I started to fear he wouldn’t come back. I couldn’t sleep that night, until around 1 in the morning, I suddenly cried, I felt lonely and didn’t stop until he showed up on his door.

I was crying on his bed for an hour, couldn’t stop and didn’t know what is going on. He sat down beside me, put his arm around my shoulders and looked confused as I was.

“I’m very sorry I came home late, but it never meant to leave you forever.”

I didn’t respond, I’m still crying and lying on the bed.

I felt an awful fear, but I never understand that. It always there whenever I was alone, but I never know what is that.

It didn’t stop right there. The illness affected my relationships with people. Most of my best friends left because they were stressed out seeing me… got stressed. I felt my posts lately are pretty dark, sad, and depressed. I never realized its effect to my followers and friends until some people spoke up to me and they cut off the relationship with me. I was overwhelmed and my self-harming (by scratching both my arms) is getting worst. It happened whenever I feel stress, scared, lonely, hated, abandoned. Until my first (attention seeking) suicide attempt, one person reached me through the message and he introduced me to his psychiatrist. It was when finally my eyes are open and understand what is happening after all this time. I had a 3-days ultimate headache after I heard the diagnosis. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep. My psychiatrist said,

“You know it feels like there are nails stuck in your feet for many years and you didn’t realized it, and I helped you pulled it out. It will definitely hurts.”

Yes, I do have the symptoms and been dealing with them my whole life. I have a depression, chronic loneliness, fear of abandonment, and impulsive–it’s not a shopping spree. Much more spending money on something unphysical like beauty treatments or food. I’m not addicted to alcohol (I still have control for it).

Oh.. the ‘telephone terror’. I said to my psychiatrist I often terrorized someone with bunch of phone calls (usually after a fight or someone decided to leave me). That’s why I avoid the phone calls–I hate to make a call. The Psychiatrist said:

“What did you feel when you keep calling them?”

“Uncontrollable. I kept calling until they notice me or pick up the phone. I’m not usually talk, I wanted their apology for their ‘little mistakes’ that made me so upset. I wanted to stop but if I stop it hurts my head, so I let myself keep calling and I do aware about the risks.”

He replied: “That one is called impulsive, too.”

My family and friends always suspect me if I was stressed out because of work (including my Boss at first)—probably most of you understand that Tokyo is one of the most stressful city to live in. But it’s never like that. So far I can cope with my job and work, but one thing I knew, I struggled to cope with people. I ‘hurt’ people unintentionally with my mood swings, tantrums, getting clingy, needy, get sulk.. all the behavior you can find in most 5-6 years old kids.

After the diagnosis, I immediately have lots of flashbacks, especially guilty feelings towards people I loved. My two-years relationship for example, was a tough road especially since my former partner was assigned to another country. It was the most horror phone call in the afternoon, getting the news about the transfer. How I acted like kids all the time wanting him to be presents every day. Feeling lonely because we were just met in every Japanese national Holidays or New Years. Feeling shattered because I couldn’t cope with more loneliness and I made a very bad decision. It was just a gap filling. I wanted him to come home. I just wanted to be with him. I was happy. Although I had this very bad situation, all I know, in my heart, I always loved him unconditionally. He was the best thing I’ve ever had.

Oh and the PMDD thing?

It is happened ‘naturally’. It is being well treated. I realized I had this emotionally ‘sick’ PMS and I made Upey as my ‘punching bag’. There are always an unspoken sorry and it kept saying inside my head “I was having PMS I’m very, very sorry I’m so sorry..” but I was afraid he would never had that as an excuse to me being an asshole. My sincere apologize.

So now, currently I have nobody, feeling the love go away. Like a Dementor sucking dry my soul, I feel all the luck are going away as well. But growing up not to be a quitter, I must survive alone and I proved that the illness never affect my job. I started the medication to ease my ‘pain’ and to help me getting a sleep. Enough with a long distance relationship—in general meaning—the medicines at least calm me down whenever it relapse until I find a chance to speak with my native-language Psychiatrist.

The lowest day I have ever experienced, was when I lost my control over my urge to attempt suicide and I lost my anti-depressant. Having a mental issues and whenever I’m having an episode, it feels like a demon just took over your body—you tried to resist and it didn’t work. I abruptly harmed myself, and I found myself in the pool of blood on my bed and my training pants, holding a shaving-knife on my right hand. I was hoping I’m not wake up tomorrow but disappointedly I woke up. I thought the ghost was gone but it’s still there and I attempted to jump off from my balcony until my friend arrived and saved me.

My psychiatrist also told me about this situation:

“Whenever you feel devastated and have the suicide attempt, it is not because you wanted to die. It is more like you want to kill the pain and make it go away.”

He is absolutely right. I’m so afraid of death.

2 weeks later I had a feud with my co-workers and I decided to talk to my boss about my resignation. The fear of abandonment and suicidal thoughts are still lingering, and I decided I’d rather go away from my office than to see my co-workers or feeling being hated by anyone. I was in a fear of losing my job and I feel ‘well finally I let the demon wins and I am too weak to continue my job.’. Talking the reason why I want to leave, forcing me to tell my bosses about my ‘condition’. Feeling hopeless that they won’t understand, I told them everything. Fortunately, both of them understand and gave me the support I needed after all this time. I was appointed to my company’s psychiatrist for a briefing alongside with my Senior Manager. The doctor was a young (probably close to my age) woman, listened to my history carefully and explained it to my boss.

She brought a book called: Coping with BPD: DBT and CBT Skills to Soothe the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, which my boss was interested to read after the session.

He said to me, “I might be your boss, but I’m also your friend. None of us will leave you. You did an excellent job. Please remember that you are never alone.”

I saw a ray of light. Not too bright, but I feel my weight a little bit lifted. It is the first time I heard people said that to me very sincere, making sure I’m not alone.

So to finish my pretty long-long blog post this time, I want to let you know, I’m very sorry I have I put everyone into the hard times. I want you to know, the way to recover is still a long road, and my PMDD is incurable (I haven’t heard about the BPD, is it curable or not, and I am too afraid to ask.)

I live the same life as you were but my world is just black or white, a little bit hard and different. I saw many blog posts about BPD people are stick to the stigma that they are a ‘toxic’ people and hard to understand due to our ‘needy’ behavior because we are afraid you are leaving. We—I am, not a bad person. I never borrowed any money, making physical troubles, or did anything stupid (despite of my suicidal attempt and self-harm). I’m still figuring life out and now organizing my life together.

Any forms of goodbyes or blocked from someone’s life are the hardest I could face. I never wanted to be like this but I have still have to live this way and I don’t have any choices…

So far I already get support from my company and few friends. Most of my followers too. I do appreciate all of the supports you sent me through my difficult times. I love you all!

For you who have your loved ones experiencing the same circumstances, please give them your support and help them to seek a professional together.

For you who struggling right now, please hang in there and let’s support each other.

Please do the Mental Health Awareness. Take a look about some mental issues that probably happens around us, even to our closest one. Learn how to cope with it because we are already coping with it all by ourselves.

If you’re asking: I’m okay. I’m just tired. But I’m still a funny person hehe (?)

Sorry for the sadness ‘vibe’ on my post. I’ll keep up the other cheering blog posts to keep you and me companied. Corona suuuuuuuckksssss.

Stay #SafeAtHome!

This post maybe related to my previous post here.