Hello, Hikoboshi. There’s few things you should know.

PuriichanLeave a comment

Hi, how are you?

Well, it’s also been a while since I’ve written on this blog. But this time, it’s dedicated to you. (Oh my God, look how HUGE my effort was on this.)

I’ve fought for many years about my feelings, my situation with you, how I can manage my emotions, and these’ situations’ with you since we talked again some time ago. I hated knowing that we used to be a close friend for years; so many things were going on. You knew it very well I’ve loved you for a long time, and I was literally getting played around by you. I know you played with my heart; we had intimate moments a few times, and I still remember you kicked me out of your house because you wanted to sleep, and I still wanted your attention. Haha. Yeah can you imagine that, I had to leave your house, bought a ticket back to Kochi at that same day and crying my all way back to home from Tokyo. Remembering that I was foolish back then.

I still went to see your act in the theatre, gave you birthday gifts, went to your live music on your graduation day, and took you to places like nothing happened despite my shattered heart. I tried to always be there for you, hoping you’d do the same. I still remember everything you said to me, every small thing you did. That night on our last live, I ran to you for a last hug. I never felt a sincere hug since.

I was hoping we could keep our friendship as long as I could. When I moved to Tokyo and met you on 2019 January 1st (there was a long gap because I think we were fighting and didn’t speak for a while, but I forgot who was the first one speaking). We shared kisses inside the karaoke box, and we took several photos. I do know so well you are a kissing type when you are drunk (despite you telling me you had a girlfriend at that time and said you didn’t want to get married, lol). We were talking about maybe collaborating on Instagram. You promised me we have to do it together. We kissed one last time before we separated, and I said okay about the Instagram, but I never heard from you again.

Since that last meeting, you ghosted me for years.

I was despondent. I thought I lost my (best) friend again. So I contacted Jun and talked with him (I know he miiiiiiiiight not be that reliable, but somehow I could speak to him) and learned that he had also moved to Tokyo. I asked him, “Can you arrange some nomikai for the three of us? Don’t make it obvious; I know this might bother you, but I missed him.”

Jun agreed. (Oh my God, Jun, I owe you a lot because Jun was the one who told me where your apartment was, and I put a letter on your motorbike for the birthday gift surprise, I think, lolololol, so stupid.)

At that time, I was already married to someone. I wasn’t wearing my ring on purpose, hoping you’re not married yet so maybe we could get along, but I was very shocked when you told me, “I’m married and have one son now.”

Oh.

Then, flashback to when you told me long ago, “You’ll cry if I get married, won’t you?”

Well, I did, lol.

But then, after the nomikai (and every nomikai with Jun or in the live music event), you always asked me to stay with you and talk for a few more hours. We were bar hopping and just talked a lot. I sensed that you might still have that ‘player’ side of you towards me. You do know I am weak of you. I couldn’t say no. I am always kind. I am never mad, despite what you have done to me. And then you started talking about business. You asked me to join you in doing whatever you’re doing on SNS, selling things that might be very popular in Indonesia and Japan. I thought, well, this was not expected. In 2019, I thought we were talking about making some funny content together, but I ended up you were talking about business. The friendship we had now grew into some business relationship.

Honestly, I was not too fond of it. Especially after you rejected the kiss, I asked you about the kiss on the cheek.

So here are my reasons why I was hesitating to cooperate with you:

  1. There is too much damage you’ve done to me my whole life since I developed feelings for you. It was always unrequited, and you never really see me as a best friend, which is very opposite of my thinking.
  2. Why did I say you never exposed me as an existing (so-called best) friend? You didn’t introduce me to your theatre friends after leaving the stage. I felt entirely like a stranger. Then, I remember when I was in Osaka, watching your live stream with your theatre fellow (you asked me to watch it); in that 1 hour or so streaming, never once you called out my name. Then, about your wedding, you didn’t invite me to your wedding (well, perhaps knowing I’d be crying on the scene, or you didn’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings or mine. Well, I invited you to mine tho, can you imagine how my husband would react if he knew what we had been through after all this time?). In your live music with Bashoo, you always called out Jun despite knowing I was sitting beside him. You didn’t acknowledge me. It was always Jun. Jun. And Jun. And what was worse? You asked me to buy you a drink, lol. (I paid for the wine, too haha)
  3. You ALWAYS ghosted me.
  4. You always, always ‘begged’ me to help you with whatever business you are doing.
  5. You refused to accompany me to play guitar on my wedding day, so I had to ask Jun but also upset knowing that you made a duo with Jun, not with me (the fuck is Coffee Mate?)
  6. You never remember my birthday. Oh, I do. I remember your birthday so well.
  7. In conclusion, I’ve had enough. You’re taking me for granted my whole life.

I don’t know if you were upset, I refused to sleep with you in January 2019 (because my Dad was actually at my house coming to Tokyo; if he wasn’t there, you were welcome anytime), or you just wanted to toy me. I do, Hikoboshi, I do wanted to help you with your business. Of course, I am happy because I finally could spend more time with you again, although this relationship will be limited to business only.

But I am tired. I’m tired of getting hidden by you, and I don’t remember you acknowledging me, which upsets me. You know I can always be there with you because I also sense that maybe, just maybe, your relationship with your significant other is not doing well. See? I still can be your bitch, after all.

So here is my bargain.

If you really need help with your business, I don’t want it to be ‘free.’

No, it’s not about money. I want something in return, and you know so well what that is.

If you’re not willing to do that, it’s okay. Maybe you were right. Just like you said after our first nomikai with Jun the other day, when we were spending more hours talking together,

“Why did I do this (ghosting you since 2019)? Because my relationship with my partner was getting serious, and we got married eventually, I realized that becoming so intimate with you every time we met (like kissing or touching, hugging, something like that) was kind of wrong, so I want to stop it. Still, I didn’t want to contact you anymore. So I think it is best for us to go on our different paths.”

Welllllllll in shorter words: “I just don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

Sighhhhhhhhhhhs

I just want my best friend back.

Okay.

Well, think about it. It was my offer. You need my help; I need your acknowledgment. Don’t hide me anymore. But if you feel you can’t do it, you can leave me—and this time, for good. I’ve thought about this many times, and I’m ready for the risk. Having you back as my friend or losing you forever.

Trust me, it is so hard for me to write this. I apologize; I am so drained writing in Japanese. I believe your English is still very excellent, and my English is so easy to understand, so you’d understand this message. Let me know if you need my help to translate it. Let’s talk in person.

Best regards,

Your used to be a complicated relationship bitch.

I’m still foolish today, am I?

I’m a ‘victim’ of sexortion threat.

PuriichanLeave a comment

I got a threats from someone that threatening to expose my nudes photos or gifs online.

It is an unwritten rule that the trust must not be broken in some particular circumstances but this person violated my trust just because his own fault.

I have reported the Cyber Crime unit in Canada following the case and hoping to hear from them soon, not forgetting the site that I used, I also filed a help and support about this harassments.

I hope, if you and all the person who do this read this that attempting to do so, leaking the nudes without consent (in simple words: broking the trusts, as I asked you before to NOT abuse my photos but you did it anyway) considered a serious crime. It is not only you who knows my social medias. You have stalked me through my social medias and I know you got the information from my website (again, another threats), I know your social medias and real name as well. Your threat email also already filed to the Cyber Crime Unit in your country, as well in mine.

Stop being childish and immature. I have blocked you means I have no interest anymore in you. And you need an explanation? There you go. You overwhelmed me. You nagged me when I was so exhausted from work, only to satisfy your needs.

You can ask me the reason why I blocked you NICELY without exaggerating it by calling out my real name and threatening to leak my photos. It is just stupid childish thing I have ever heard. I have never experienced this with other people. Stop seeking my attention. Done means done. We agreed on something but we are not anymore in some points.

God knows what you are doing but I will not stop seeking justice if you still do so.

Stop harassing me. Stop threatening me. It is not worth it. Just stop.

Some banned words by my mom.

PuriichanLeave a comment

Setelah ditelaah bertahun-tahun, akhirnya paham bahwa keluarga gue ini menganut sebuah ideologi di mana anak-anaknya ngga boleh ada emosi tertentu.

Langsung aja (soalnya ini cuma mendadak uneg-uneg wkwk)

 

  • Kata-kata “Bete”.

Ini terjadi saat gue masih di Indo dan pada masa itu kata-kata ‘bete’ adalah kata-kata yang sedang hype-hype-nya. ‘Bete’ atau bahasa lainnya: (yang gue tau adalah) bosen terus (mohon koreksi kalau salah) ini sebenarnya memang ekspresi saat orang lagi kecewa, lagi pengen sesuatu tapi ga kesampean, atau ekspresi perasaan mandek lainnya (lah ga ada kaitannya sama bosen ya? atau energinya sama-sama mbosenin?). Misalnya:

“Doh gua bete nih pacar gue katanya mo nelpon tapi ngga jadi.”

“Doh gua bete nih, katanya mau dijemput tapi ngga jadi.”

“Aaah gue bete banget hari ini kayaknya universe tidak memihak sama gue sama sekali. Rasanya apes melulu.”

dan ungkapan kekecewaan lainnya.

Dan setiap gue berkata ‘bete’ di depan nyokap gue, reaksi nyokap gue biasanya langsung berubah dan langsung membalas dengan, “Bisa ngga sih ngga ngomong-ngomong ‘bete’? Mami sebel banget deh dengernya kayak orang pasrahan banget.”

…

Jadi sebenernya nyokap gue ini ngga paham aja arti bete sebenernya… yang ditangkep itu kata-kata ‘bete’ kayaknya haram aja disebut, rasanya orang ngga boleh kecewa.

 

  • Kata “Stress”

Ini sebuah kata yang bisa bikin nyokap gue semakin maramara dan biasanya udah di tahap nyuruh beribadah. Kalimat ‘stress’ itu bagaikan kryptonite nyokap gue kalau salah satu dari anaknya ngga sengaja ngucap kata ini kalau emang lagi… stress.

“Kamu tuh jadi orang jangan stress-stress. Ibadah lah kamu minta sama yang di Atas buat hilangkan rasa stressnya.”

“Mami ngga suka deh kamu itu ngeluh stress-stress segala. Apasih yang dibikin stress? Kenapa sih selalu dibawa stress? Kamu buka kitab suci, kamu gelar lah sajadah, dzikir, minta sama Tuhan buat jalan keluarnya.”

“Kamu stress hidup di Jepang? Yaudah pulang aja biar ngga stress.”

(kemudian mengingat hiruk-pikuk di negeri sendiri melalui platform twitter sebagai informasi terbaru tentang berita-berita dari yang nyeleneh sampe serius, tp kondisi negara juga rasanya ngga beda jauh bikin gue semakin stress dan pusing, jadi mohon maaf nih:

Iya. Gak dulu makasy.) Lagian daripada gua nyuruh balik ke Indo yang juga ngga memberikan gue solusi lainnya selain masuk kandang singa lagi di rumah yang ngga nyaman (dan juga lingkungannya), kenapa ngga bantu gue meminimalisir rasa stress itu dengan ngirim duit 50 juta misalnya, atau minimal Indomie Kriting Spesial sekardus?

Niscaya rasa stress gue hilang ketimbang harus balik ke Indo karena urang ga sangghoooop buat hidup di Jakarta tbh. Lebih keras hidup di Jakarta gue rasa daripada di Jepang. Heeelp.

Jadi tulunglah bu-ibu, kalo anaknya stress jangan cuma disuruh ibadah doang… coba setidaknya dikasih makanan kesukaan, biasanya suka ilang dikit rasa stressnya. Cobain deh. Not harming at all.

 

  • Merasa depresi

Ini juga salah satu kryptonite nyokap gue yang paling tabu untuk dikatakan.

Bahwa rasa depresi itu = kurang iman. Lebih berat itungannya daripada merasa stress. Jadi menurut nyokap, level depresi adalah di mana seseorang sudah kehilangan imannya dan dianggap sebagai domba tersesat yang butuh dirukiyah kembali.

Kalau ga sengaja mengucap “Duh aku depresi deh…”, siap-siap dihujani ceramah bahwa hidup itu ngga boleh dibawa depresi dan stress, rasanya kurang komunikasi dengan Tuhan, dan harus segera dirukiyah agar kembali menjadi manusia yang secara rohani sehat dan bugar tanpa ada rasa depresi.

 

As a person who suffering from BPD, Panic Attack, Eating Disorder, dan PMDD…

…kayaknya gue udah otomatis dicoret dari KK sebagai contoh anak teladan, budiman, dan beriman.

 

Kurang lebih segitu aja sih. Mungkin bakal diupdate kalo-kalo ada salah kata terus diceramahin lagi. Eheheheeheheheehehe…

 

If you find your loved once suffering from mental health issues, ayo ditolong ya. Disupport jangan diabaikan. Langsung hubungi instansi terkait agar bisa dapat pertolongan dan membantu penderita dengan segera. Karena your mental health is matter. We tried our best tp tetap, it’s different if it’s coming to mental health issues.

 

Stay healthy and cool ya. Love you guys.