Hi, how are you?
Well, it’s also been a while since I’ve written on this blog. But this time, it’s dedicated to you. (Oh my God, look how HUGE my effort was on this.)
I’ve fought for many years about my feelings, my situation with you, how I can manage my emotions, and these’ situations’ with you since we talked again some time ago. I hated knowing that we used to be a close friend for years; so many things were going on. You knew it very well I’ve loved you for a long time, and I was literally getting played around by you. I know you played with my heart; we had intimate moments a few times, and I still remember you kicked me out of your house because you wanted to sleep, and I still wanted your attention. Haha. Yeah can you imagine that, I had to leave your house, bought a ticket back to Kochi at that same day and crying my all way back to home from Tokyo. Remembering that I was foolish back then.
I still went to see your act in the theatre, gave you birthday gifts, went to your live music on your graduation day, and took you to places like nothing happened despite my shattered heart. I tried to always be there for you, hoping you’d do the same. I still remember everything you said to me, every small thing you did. That night on our last live, I ran to you for a last hug. I never felt a sincere hug since.
I was hoping we could keep our friendship as long as I could. When I moved to Tokyo and met you on 2019 January 1st (there was a long gap because I think we were fighting and didn’t speak for a while, but I forgot who was the first one speaking). We shared kisses inside the karaoke box, and we took several photos. I do know so well you are a kissing type when you are drunk (despite you telling me you had a girlfriend at that time and said you didn’t want to get married, lol). We were talking about maybe collaborating on Instagram. You promised me we have to do it together. We kissed one last time before we separated, and I said okay about the Instagram, but I never heard from you again.
Since that last meeting, you ghosted me for years.
I was despondent. I thought I lost my (best) friend again. So I contacted Jun and talked with him (I know he miiiiiiiiight not be that reliable, but somehow I could speak to him) and learned that he had also moved to Tokyo. I asked him, “Can you arrange some nomikai for the three of us? Don’t make it obvious; I know this might bother you, but I missed him.”
Jun agreed. (Oh my God, Jun, I owe you a lot because Jun was the one who told me where your apartment was, and I put a letter on your motorbike for the birthday gift surprise, I think, lolololol, so stupid.)
At that time, I was already married to someone. I wasn’t wearing my ring on purpose, hoping you’re not married yet so maybe we could get along, but I was very shocked when you told me, “I’m married and have one son now.”
Oh.
Then, flashback to when you told me long ago, “You’ll cry if I get married, won’t you?”
Well, I did, lol.
But then, after the nomikai (and every nomikai with Jun or in the live music event), you always asked me to stay with you and talk for a few more hours. We were bar hopping and just talked a lot. I sensed that you might still have that ‘player’ side of you towards me. You do know I am weak of you. I couldn’t say no. I am always kind. I am never mad, despite what you have done to me. And then you started talking about business. You asked me to join you in doing whatever you’re doing on SNS, selling things that might be very popular in Indonesia and Japan. I thought, well, this was not expected. In 2019, I thought we were talking about making some funny content together, but I ended up you were talking about business. The friendship we had now grew into some business relationship.
Honestly, I was not too fond of it. Especially after you rejected the kiss, I asked you about the kiss on the cheek.
So here are my reasons why I was hesitating to cooperate with you:
- There is too much damage you’ve done to me my whole life since I developed feelings for you. It was always unrequited, and you never really see me as a best friend, which is very opposite of my thinking.
- Why did I say you never exposed me as an existing (so-called best) friend? You didn’t introduce me to your theatre friends after leaving the stage. I felt entirely like a stranger. Then, I remember when I was in Osaka, watching your live stream with your theatre fellow (you asked me to watch it); in that 1 hour or so streaming, never once you called out my name. Then, about your wedding, you didn’t invite me to your wedding (well, perhaps knowing I’d be crying on the scene, or you didn’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings or mine. Well, I invited you to mine tho, can you imagine how my husband would react if he knew what we had been through after all this time?). In your live music with Bashoo, you always called out Jun despite knowing I was sitting beside him. You didn’t acknowledge me. It was always Jun. Jun. And Jun. And what was worse? You asked me to buy you a drink, lol. (I paid for the wine, too haha)
- You ALWAYS ghosted me.
- You always, always ‘begged’ me to help you with whatever business you are doing.
- You refused to accompany me to play guitar on my wedding day, so I had to ask Jun but also upset knowing that you made a duo with Jun, not with me (the fuck is Coffee Mate?)
- You never remember my birthday. Oh, I do. I remember your birthday so well.
- In conclusion, I’ve had enough. You’re taking me for granted my whole life.
I don’t know if you were upset, I refused to sleep with you in January 2019 (because my Dad was actually at my house coming to Tokyo; if he wasn’t there, you were welcome anytime), or you just wanted to toy me. I do, Hikoboshi, I do wanted to help you with your business. Of course, I am happy because I finally could spend more time with you again, although this relationship will be limited to business only.
But I am tired. I’m tired of getting hidden by you, and I don’t remember you acknowledging me, which upsets me. You know I can always be there with you because I also sense that maybe, just maybe, your relationship with your significant other is not doing well. See? I still can be your bitch, after all.
So here is my bargain.
If you really need help with your business, I don’t want it to be ‘free.’
No, it’s not about money. I want something in return, and you know so well what that is.
If you’re not willing to do that, it’s okay. Maybe you were right. Just like you said after our first nomikai with Jun the other day, when we were spending more hours talking together,
“Why did I do this (ghosting you since 2019)? Because my relationship with my partner was getting serious, and we got married eventually, I realized that becoming so intimate with you every time we met (like kissing or touching, hugging, something like that) was kind of wrong, so I want to stop it. Still, I didn’t want to contact you anymore. So I think it is best for us to go on our different paths.”
Welllllllll in shorter words: “I just don’t want to be your friend anymore.”
Sighhhhhhhhhhhs
I just want my best friend back.
Okay.
Well, think about it. It was my offer. You need my help; I need your acknowledgment. Don’t hide me anymore. But if you feel you can’t do it, you can leave me—and this time, for good. I’ve thought about this many times, and I’m ready for the risk. Having you back as my friend or losing you forever.
Trust me, it is so hard for me to write this. I apologize; I am so drained writing in Japanese. I believe your English is still very excellent, and my English is so easy to understand, so you’d understand this message. Let me know if you need my help to translate it. Let’s talk in person.
Best regards,
Your used to be a complicated relationship bitch.
I’m still foolish today, am I?
