It’s been ageeees… and I’m still overwhelmed with my own mind and self. I guess since 2019-ish, I am in a meltdown, dealing with this mental demon, and have been in my worst times ever. Recently the meltdown already gone, but the pain is still there and it’s still exhausting as well. Don’t know how to explain this but I still feel a ‘little hell’ still going on. My apologize to all of you.
And seriously I need to write happy things on my blog more often. (This is why I pay the siteeeeee aaa)
All of this BPD things really caught me in the head.
It’s slowing my performance, my mood, and I’m like a feral animals that don’t know what love and affection are. Technically, I’m so doomed for the last few years. (Mentally).
I don’t know if people still interested in Japan thing or stuff because I’m not really good at representing it. I don’t know if people still interested in my existence anymore. So… here I am, living my life, inside my shell, safe and sound, trying not to bother my surroundings. I mean, it’s in the middle of pandemic–people get stressed out! Me too! I can’t go out (wait, am I often going out?), I’m working from home since early 2020 (it’s a curse and blessing at the same time), I’m losing track of time and my only friends are Netflix, Nintendo Switch, and Reddit (/cats, /love, /zeldabotw hohoho).
About ‘getting some help’ stuff…
Every time I had a mental breakdown and bursting it out on twitter, people are very concern about me and keep telling me to:
Well I am seeking help(s). You think after my attempted suicide many years ago I won’t do anything to keep up my life even thought it’s still trash? (Don’t worry. I’m writing this in a happy-tone). Just for your note:
I have three (or maybe four?) therapists with each topics to counsel about (one of them is free–yay! From my company smh) and I’m still putting all my life together. But I really do appreciate it if you understand enough that my mental breakdown can come anytime, out of the blue and my therapist cannot be reached right away.
It’s not like the U.S movies where the therapists are constantly checking out their patients through the phones and asking if I’m taking my meds in the middle of the stormy night. I’m only talk to them in the scheduled days and it takes time. Not me, not even the Universe can guarantee I stop my suicidal thoughts right-away every time I’m feeling down. Again, I’m living by my own in my little mansion and it is hard to make friends in this age. You don’t have to know the story living in Japanese society for years. We even never say hello to neighbors and not allowed to complaint if the neighbors making trouble (it considered breaking the law, and everything must be settled down by the polic
e or the mansion agents). It’s really hard to socialize, please, you guys don’t understand this part… 🙁 It is really hard living in Japan by yourself and having the Demon that follows you everywhere. I need to move on from all the bad things (whatever you call it), distract myself from any possibility to kill myself or thought about it. Sighs. No one congratulates me that I’m having appointment with my therapists. No one? Anybody? It’s a baby steps 🙁 Well I guess, it’s not yet a big news.. My life still a mess.
So… for a little update, this year is going to be busy. I think it’s a good thing that finally I fill up my boring days several activities to make me feel again (but mostly I feel so much anxiety and it’s again, overwhelming). I will re-take my JLPT, TOEIC, TOEFL, or maybe IELTS if it’s needed (just to make my brain work and pushing myself from my comfort zones), considering changing my career and moving out to the new place. Leaving behind my old bad memories to open the brand new fresh page. Maybe I will start blogging again just like I’m used to do (I re-read my old blogs and God I was so happy back then. Adulting sucks.)
About what I need…
I need some supports. From all my social media friends and kind hearted followers. I realize I still have some of you trying to make conversations with me and seeing my posts. I’m so happy when some of my followers send me messages telling me they’re happy to see my posts. Especially for them, I want to apologize as well because I haven’t given my best self. I am sorry that I’m still afraid to share some few things or afraid that I’m not happy yet and there’s nothing interesting to share with.
But I’m glad you reach out to me. All I need is just some talks. Through twitter, through instagram…
Even though I’m not a famous person or something like that, at all. I’m not that math genius with verified badge or a traveler vlogger. Ugh seriously if only you were in my position, my condition and my company won’t allow me to vlog or to publish much about my life due to the privacy. Yeah, I have clients and that’s why I’m mostly ‘rant’ on twitter. I can’t afford to lose my job because I’m dancing freely on my social media very often haha 🙁
So that’s why sometimes I might be spicy but I never meant it.
So okay. From now on, I promise I won’t tweet anything dangerous anymore. Maybe I will try focusing on blogging. I’m still writing something ‘bad’ but maybe in a longer version hehe. (It’s a processss… please?)
Another notes, my suicidal thoughts are still there. I’m facing a hard challenges but it doesn’t mean I can’t love someone. I love my friends but I’m just too bad to express it. Ugh I can’t make it as an excuse but really I’m just a spicy person sometimes (Hey, you see the post of spicy kitten on instagram? It’s exactly like me!).
So… I’m so sorry I made another mess. I’m up to any questions and thoughts, but maybe twitter is not really my place.
Mental health does matter and I’m still working on it. Might be taking forever but I’m trying. I’m not a quitter.
Take care and don’t let the pandemic takes you down.
I love you with all my heart.
Regards,
Puriichan.
